Bottom Line Jokes II

o  Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

o  Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

o  Da ich mir keine Therapie leisten kann, erzähle ich meine Probleme dem Typ am zweiten Fenster beim McDrive. Der hat einen Master in Psychologie.

o  Meine Frau macht immer denselben Fehler nach dem Putzen: Sie lässt die Kinder wieder ins Haus.

o  "Was machst du am Wochenende?"
"ICH MUSS DA ETWAS MACHEN???"

o  Hey Süsser, ich bin die neue Nachbarin. Ich will mich betrinken und dann vögeln. Hast du Zeit?
Ja klar.
Super, kannst du bitte auf meinen Hund aufpassen?

o  "Haltet den Dieb! Der hat mein Messer im Rücken!"

o  Irgendein Idiot im Fitnesscenter hat seine Wasserflasche in die Pringles-Halterung am Laufband gestellt.

o  Musik macht alles leichter.
Nur nicht mich..

o  Wenn man Bier mit Wasser mischt, bekommt man?
Richtig! ... Ohrfeigen!

o  War gestern im Zoo. Komisch, einer der Elefanten stand ausserhalb vom Gehege und hatte Leggins an. Sachen gibts..

o  Nein mein Kind, glaube mir, du möchtest das Hello Kitty Menü hier vom Chinesen nicht...

o  Räuber: Gib mir dein Geld!
Mann: Ich bin Politiker.
Räuber: Dann gib mir mein Geld!

o  Mein Postbote ist ein Drogenkurier. Das schlimme daran ist, er weiss es nicht.

o  Lehrer: Du bist schon wieder zu spät! Was soll nur mal aus dir werden?
Schüler: Lokführer.

o  "Solange man den Teppich noch sieht, muss nicht gesaugt werden."
"Schatz, wir haben Laminat!"

o  Diätregel #1: Wenn es schmeckt, spuck es aus!

o  Entschuldigung, aber ihre linke Brust hängt raus.
Oh Gott, ich habe das Baby im Bus liegen lassen!

o  Q: What's the importance of capitalization?
A: You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.

o  "Schatz, du gehst doch nicht fremd - oder?"
"BOAH-EH, ihr fragt mich alle denselben Scheiss!"

o  Männer sind unsensibel. Anstatt bei Problemen mitzuleiden, bieten sie einfach Lösungen an.

o  Suche kaputte Glühbirnen. Möchte mir eine Dunkelkammer einrichten.

o  Meinungen sind wie Orgasmen.
Meine sind mir wichtig, deine sind mir scheissegal.

o  Mit 71% Akku aufs Klo. Da muss ich mich wohl beeilen.

o  Habe eine Sandale für Menschen mit nur einem Bein erfunden.
War ein Flop.

o  EILMELDUNG: Einsparungen am Bildungssystem fordern bereits erste Opfas!

o  Darf ich auf die Party, Papa?
Ja, aber sei um 10 Uhr wieder zu Hause.
Ok, soll ich Brötchen mitbringen?

o  Ich habe weder die Zeit, noch die Buntstifte, um dir das jetzt zu erklären.

o  "Wahnsinn! Wir haben heute in der IKEA nur CHF 30.- ausgegeben!"
"Ok, mehr Hot Dogs hätte ich auch nicht geschafft."

o  Meine Tochter studiert Informatik. Sie wird bestimmt mal so ein angesagtes It-Girl.

o  A: Es wird Zeit für eine Menstruation!!!
B: Häh? Du meinst Revolution, oder?
A: Egal! Hauptsache es fliesst Blut!!!

o  Mein Rekord beim 100m-Sprint liegt bei 50m.

o  Manchmal frage ich mich, ob sich Chinesen deutsche Wörter auf den Körper tätowieren lassen.

o  Ich bin so einfach gestrickt, ich könnte im Prinzip auch gehäkelt sein.

o  A: Erzähl doch mal was über dich.
B: Ha ha, das kenn ich. Und dann rufst du die Polizei..

o  Durchsage im Kaufhaus: Der kleine "Fick dich du Schlampe, mein Name geht dich gar nichts an" möchte bitte aus dem Spieleparadies abgeholt werden.

o  Langweilst du dich auch so wie mich?

o  "Auf einer Skala von 1 bis 10: Wie sehr haben Sie als Mann in ihrer Beziehung das Sagen?"
"Schaaaaatz, darf ich an der Umfrage teilnehmen?"

o  So, die Rechnungen sind bezahlt.
Kennt jemand ein paar gute Rezepte für Wasser?

o  "Ich habe Ihre Kuh gemolken."
"Wir haben nur einen Bullen."
"Dann geh ich mal schnell Zähne putzen."

o  "Du hörst auch nur das, was du hören willst!"
"Ein Bierchen? Da sag ich nicht nein."

o  "Von rechts kommt ein Smart. Links ist auch frei."

o  Faulheitsregel: Wenn etwas unter dein Bett fällt, ist es weg. Für immer!

o  Meine Frau sagte, ich behandle die Kinder unfair.
Ich fragte sie: «Welches? Phillipp, Paul oder das Fette?»

o  Von der Veranlagung her bin ich schlank. Ich lebe das nur nicht aus.

o  Untersetzer sind etwas für Leute, die ihre Drinks zwischendurch abstellen.

o  Früher war alles besser. Vorgestern zum Beispiel, da war noch Wochenende.

o  An Mitgift ist noch keiner gestorben.

o  Samstag – Partytag. Der Tag, an dem es %. gibt.

o  Früher war ich eingebildet. Heute weiss ich, dass ich schön bin.

o  Lieber soziales Klimbim als atomares Bum Bum.

o  Alle wollen zurueck zur Natur – aber keiner zu Fuss.

o  Alkohol tötet langsam, wir haben Zeit!

o  Ich bin absolut inkonsequent! Und manchmal nicht mal das.

o  Wer kriecht, kann nicht stolpern.

o  Es gibt nichts zu tun – fangt schon mal an!

o  Das Leben ist eher breit als lang!

o  Schwach anfangen und dann gaaanz stark nachlassen.

o  Kicka und Kegla isch kabelhaft!

o  Pünktlichkeit ist aller Laster Anfang.

o  Fahren Sie mich irgendwohin, ich werde überall gebraucht.

o  Wir Salmonellen, wir sind jetzt mit dabei – in jedem 7. Ei!

o  Was hältst du als Aussenstehender von Intelligenz?

o  Dont drink and drive – take drugs and fly home.

o  Das Fleisch war willig – aber das Gras war nass.

o  Nicht alles, was hinkt, ist ein Vergleich.

o  Wer früher stirbt ist länger tot.

o  Jetzt kommt endlich Unordnung in das Chaos!

o  Einer für alle, und – nichts für ungut.

o  Hausärzte bringen nur selten kaputte Häuser in Ordnung.

o  Montag Morgen, zehn nach Acht und die Woche will kein Ende nehmen!

o  Sterben muss man sowieso, schneller geht's mit MARLBORO.

o  Ein Skelett kommt in eine Kneipe und sagt: «Ein Bier und einen Lappen!»

o  Ich antworte mit einem entschiedenen «Vielleicht»!

o  Realität ist was für Leute, die mit Drogen nicht zurechtkommen.

o  Zwiebeln statt Kiwis kaufen. Die sind preiswerter und halten länger.

o  Raucher teeren ihre Lungen, damit der Tod nicht ausrutscht.

o  Operative Hektik ersetzt geistige Windstille.

o  Wem ewig Gutes widerfährt, den nennt man Onkel Dagobert.

o  Wer anderen eine Grube gräbt ist Bauarbeiter.

o  Killing for peace is like fucking for virginity.

o  Was Sie nicht will, dass ich ihr tu, das füg ich einer Andern zu.

o  Wer viel heult, muss wenig pissen.

o  Quäle nie ein Tier zum Scherz, denn es könnt geladen sein.

o  Auf mir liegen sie richtig.

o  Die erste Nacht am Galgen ist die schlimmste.

o  Schicken ist fön… sumsen ist buper.

o  Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?

o  So he could see her crack!Darf eigentlich jemand der Moses heisst bei eBay mehr als 10 Gebote abgeben?

o  Das schlägt doch dem Fass die Krone mitten durchs Gesäss!

o  Das Leben als solches ist eines der härtesten und endet meist tödlich.

o  Keine Macht den Drogen! Darauf trinke ich.

o  An der Spitze stehen ist immer noch zu weit hinten.

o  Der Tod ist ein bleibender Schaden.

o  Intoleranz können wir nicht tolerieren.

o  Die ersten 5 Tage nach dem Wochenende sind die schlimmsten…

o  Besser locker vom Hocker, als hektisch übern Ecktisch!

o  Privateigentum ist rechts und deshalb widrig. (D.Krebs)

o  Kommt der Einarmige in den Second-Hand Shop…

o  Die einzige Blume die auf Beton wächst ist die Neurose.

o  Heute back ich, morgen brau ich, übermorgen mach ich der Königin ein Kind…

o  Hey du…krieg ich deine Nummer? Nööö, aber meine eMail-Adresse: traeum.weiter@korb.ch

o  Eine Lösung hätte ich, aber die passt nicht zum Problem.

o  Das Leben ist kurz, trink schneller!

o  Wie sortieren Männer Ihre Wäsche?

Sie machen zwei Stapel: Dreckig und dreckig, kann man aber noch anziehen!

o  Der liebe Gott weiss alles – die Nachbarschaft noch mehr.

o  Ein Pessimist ist ein Optimist mit mehr Erfahrung.

o  Besuchen Sie einen Schützenverein! Treffen Sie Freunde!

o  Behandle jedes Problem, wie es ein Hund tun würde:

Wenn Du es nicht essen oder damit spielen kannst, dann pinkle drauf und geh weiter.

o  Der frühe Vogel fängt sich eine, wenn er nicht sein Maul hält!

o  Keiner weiss, was er kann, aber alle nennen ihn Chef!

o  Wer zuletzt lacht, hat den Witz nicht verstanden.

o  Ich zog meine blutende Freundin aus dem Autowrack. Sie wehrte sich und flehte mich an, ich solle ihr noch eine Chance zum Einparken geben…

o  Sie können machen, was Sie wollen, aber nicht so!

o  Frauen finden mich beim ersten Date immer interessant und geheimnisvoll. Ich wusste, dass die Nebelmaschine unterm Tisch eine gute Idee war!

o  Viele Leute sind verwirrt, wenn ein Satz anders endet als man Kaninchen!

o  Viele verlieren ihren Verstand deshalb nicht, weil sie keinen haben!

o  Ein guter Delphin taucht auch im roten Meer!

o  Ich habe meine Ernährung umgestellt. Die Chips stehen jetzt links neben dem Laptop.

o  Wer jemals glaubte, dass Frauen das schwächere Geschlecht sind, sollte mal nachts versuchen die Bettdecke auf seine Seite zu ziehen.

o  Q: What type of sandals do frogs wear?

A: Open-toad!

o  Q: Why didn’t the melons get married?

A: Because they cantaloupe.

o  Q: How do you make holy water?

A: Boil the hell out of it.

o  If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

o  How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Show him a used tampon and ask, "What period is this from?"

o  Q: What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire?

A: Bernadette.

o  Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?

A: Because he never lands.

o  Q: What did the banana say to the doctor?

A: "I'm not peeling well."

o  Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?

A: Because they don't know where home is.

o  Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?

A: The letter "m."

o  Q: What has more lives than a cat?

A: A frog because it croaks every night.

o  Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

o  Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

A: "Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob."

o  Q: What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A: A Christler.

o  Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A: A waist of time.

o  Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

o  Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?

A: Because it was soda pressing.

o  Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."

Guest: "I'll make my own bed."

Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

o  Brunette: "Where were you born?"

Blonde: "California."

Brunette: "Which part?"

Blonde: "All of me."

o  Q: How do fish get high?

A: Seaweed.

o  Q: Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

A: Because he was outstanding in his field.

o  Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring?

A: Pilgrims!

o  Q: What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

A: Carlos.

o  Q: Why is the barn so noisy?

A: Because the cows have horns.

o  Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

A: Fingernails.

o  Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

o  Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

A: He wiped his bum.

o  Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?

A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

o  Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?

A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

o  Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

o  Q: Why can't you trust an atom?

A: Because they make up everything.

o  The words election and erection are spelled similarly. They both have the same meaning too: A dick rising to power.

o  A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

o  Whoever invented "knock knock"-jokes should get a no bell prize.

o  Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

o  Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

A: Juan on Juan.

o  PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

o  Q: Why is England the wettest country?

A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

o  Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

A: "You're too young to smoke."

o  Q: What is Mozart doing right now?

A: Decomposing.

o  Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?

A: The library, because it has so many stories.

o  Q: How do trees access the internet?

A: They log in.

o  Q: What is the lightest thing in the world?

A: A penis, because just a thought can lift it.

o  I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

o  Q: What do an old person, a Mexican man, and a high school student close to graduation have in common?

A: They're all seniors.

o  If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

o  Q: Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist?

A: Because you will get Jurasskicked.

o  Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?

A: Because he was always spotted.

o  Q: What do computers eat for a snack?

A: Microchips!

o  If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.

o  I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!

o  Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

A: Envelope.

o  Q: What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

A: Usain Bolt can finish a race.

o  A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

o  I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

o  Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

o  Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

o  Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

o  Q: What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?

A: "Oh sheet!"

o  Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

o  A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl.
"My mother cooks beans," said a boy.
A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

o  A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

o  Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.

o  Q: How do you count cows?

A: With a cowculator.

o  Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear.

o  Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich? Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna.

o  Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.

o  Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.

o  Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.

o  Yo mama's hair is so full of dandruff, when she shook her head, the principal called a snow day.

o  Q: Can February march?
A: No, but April may.

o  Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.

o  Q: What's a shark's favorite sandwich?
A. Peanut butter and jellyfish!

o  Q. What is the color of the wind?
A. Blew.

o  Q. Why did the apple run away?
A. Because the banana split!

o  Q. Why do anime fans listen to the radio in the morning?
A. Because they enjoy car toons!

o  Q. What can you give and keep at the same time?

A. A cold!"

o  Doctor, my nose is 11 inches long!"

"Come back when it grows into a foot!"

o  Q. What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?

A. He sang until he found the right key!

o  Q: Why did Adele cross the road?

A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"

o  Yo mamma's so stupid, she thought Free Willy was a porno film.

o  I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

o  Little Johnny tells his mom: "Mom, Billy's penis is like a peanut."
Mom says: "What do you mean? He has the size of one or it looks like one?"

Johnny says: "Its salty."

o  Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

o  Q: Why was six scared of seven?
A: Because seven "ate" nine.

o  The itsy bitsy spider climed up the water spout out came the gun and wiped the f*cker out.

o  What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.

o  Not saying I hate you, but if your face was on fire and I had a glass of water I'd drink it.

o  U R 6 C I 1 2 4 Q

o  The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they'll erase what they did during the week.

o  I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls.

o  When I see birds fly, I think to myself: "If I was a bird, who would I shit on?"

o  The word "Boob" is the Perfect word. The B looks like a top view of them, the 2 Os look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view. Perfectly engineered!

o  Whenever you get mad, just think of a t-rex trying to masturbate.

o  You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

o  Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their but with an iPad.

o  Daughter: Mommy, what's it like to have the most awesome daughter in the world?
Mother: I don't know, ask your grandmother.

o  I accidentally pooped in my pants in the elevator.
I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

o  Ain't it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.

o  You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

o  Lazy People Fact #5812672793
You were too lazy to read that number.

o  A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

o  I have a really good report card in first grade, since then my mother was always proud of me every time she saw my report card. She doesn‘t know I always use the same report card.

o  When you're so deep in the friend zone that you've met her boyfriend's parents...

o  "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket, Officer?"
"Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.

o  After this week, Back to the Future will take place entirely in the past.

o  Some girl caught me staring at her boobs so I gave her 2 thumbs up. She only deserved 1 but it's the holidays and shit.

o  I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.

o  My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

o  Is the "S" or the "C" silent in the word "scent"?

o  I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

o  Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherf*ckers.

o  Alcohol won't solve your problems. But then again neither will milk or orange juice.

o  Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. That's where the knives are kept

o  That moment when you find yourself pulling a door that says push.

o  I really need to stop blaming autocorrect and face the fact that I can't spill.

o  Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.

o  Violence is never the answer. It's just a really good solution.

o  Donald Trump

o  One day YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge and be known as YouTwitFace.

o  In university I was going to join the debate team, but someone talked me out of it.

o  Why do midgets laugh when they run? Coz the grass tickles their balls!

o  I don't know if liquor is the answer, but it's worth a shot!

o  What the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift.

o  People think Cupid is a symbol for love. Personally, I find an arrow being shot through your heart by a flying baby very horrifying.

o  I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend. Until my LSD kicks out and I realize I'm dragging a blow up doll in the burger king parking lot.

o  It's amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.

o  Vote kickass if you're reading jokes instead of doing homework.

o  I think the Japanese flag is really a pie chart of how afraid they are of Godzilla.

o  Saying you are dumped but we can still be friends is like saying the dog died but let's take it for a walk anyway.

o  With great power comes great electricity bill.

o  Some people are like clouds. When they disappear it's a brighter day.

o  After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.

o  Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees has obviously never sold weed.

o  Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.

o  Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

o  Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

o  According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

o  I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

o  Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?

o  The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

o  Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to it.

o  You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, 'Fuck it – just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport!'

o  Who was the first to see a cow and think: "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"

o  It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

o  I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

o  Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

o  Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

o  Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?

o  We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

o  Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

o  Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

o  If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

o  Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.

o  If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis".

o  Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

o  Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

o  Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

o  By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.

o  Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

o  There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

o  Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.

o  The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

o  My drinking team has a bowling problem.

o  If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

o  Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".

o  The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

o  Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

o  Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

o  We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

o  Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.

o  I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle.

o  To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

o  Well aren’t you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

o  Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

o  Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

o  There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

o  Impotence: Nature’s way of saying "No hard feelings".

o  I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

o  Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.

o  The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

o  Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

o  Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

o  When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

o  Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

o  100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

o  I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

o  Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

o  People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

o  The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

o  I’m a humble person, really. I’m actually much greater than I think I am.

o  Don't steal. That’s the government's job.

o  What if there were no hypothetical questions?

o  I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that’s not going to happen."

o  Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

o  The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

o  A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

o  A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.

o  Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

o  For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

o  See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

o  They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

o  I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said, "Are you going to help?" - I said, "No, six should be enough."

o  Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

o  Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say: "My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic."

o  The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

o  Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

o  If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

o  What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

o  If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

o  The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.

o  Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

o  1 of 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

o  True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.

o  I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

o  Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

o  The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

o  If I’d shot you sooner, I’d be out of jail by now.

o  Lite: the new way to spell "Light", now with 20% fewer letters!

o  I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

o  A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

o  Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.

o  This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.

o  Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.

o  No one is listening until you fart.

o  A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

o  Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

o  Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.

o  Only dead fish go with the flow.

o  Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!

o  What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.

o  If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

o  Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

o  It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

o  A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

o  The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

o  Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

o  If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

o  Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

o  There are no winners in life…only survivors.

o  If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?

o  Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

o  Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

o  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

o  Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.

o  We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.

o  Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

o  Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

o  The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.

o  If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

o  I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

o  Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

o  Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

o  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed.

o  If your dog is barking at the back door and your mother-in-law is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

o  I am in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?

o  Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

o  I sometimes go to my own little world, but that’s okay, they know me there.

o  She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.

o  If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?

o  Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

o  Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

o  Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

o  When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise!

o  It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.

o  A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

o  I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

o  They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

o  I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

o  During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

o  Strangers have the best candy.

o  Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

o  Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.

o  Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

o  Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.

o  Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

o  The only difference between the people I’ve dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

o  If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

o  Constipated people don’t give a crap.

o  I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.

o  I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

o  I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying.

o  Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

o  You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

o  Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

o  You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?

o  Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There’s a naked person outside!"

o  You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

o  The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

o  Without me, it’s just aweso.

o  Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

o  At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

o  Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.

o  Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

o  If you do not say it, they can’t repeat it.

o  I think, therefore I’m single.

o  I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

o  Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

o  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

o  Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

o  Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

o  Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

o  Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

o  A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

o  Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

o  The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

o  Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

o  Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

o  Trust but verify.

o  I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

o  The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

o  If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

o  You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

o  Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

o  The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

o  Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

o  The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

o  A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

o  It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

o  Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

o  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

o  When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

o  Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

o  Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

o  It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look.

o  If a dog sniffs your ass, you’re probably a bitch.

o  Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

o  Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.

o  Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

o  Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

o  I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

o  Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

o  When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?

o  Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

o  Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.

o  It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

o  Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

o  I bet you I could stop gambling.

o  I love oral sex…it’s the phone bill I hate.

o  I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

o  If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!

o  Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

o  If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger…

o  Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

o  A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

o  Beauty is only skin deep…but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

o  If you’re going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!

o  We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

o  A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

o  My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

o  It’s not the bullet that kills you, it’s the hole.

o  There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

o  Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?

o  Most women don’t know where to look when they’re eating a banana.

o  You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

o  If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.

o  If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

o  With a calendar, your days are numbered.

o  The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".

o  If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

o  I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

o  Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone!

o  Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.

o  I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

o  Roses are red
That part is true
But violets are purple
Not f***ing blue

o  It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.

o  I'll change my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts,and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this!

o  You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

o  A gift card is a great way to say, "Go buy your own f*ckin' present".

o  Isn't it weird, how - when a cop drives by - you feel paranoid instead of protected.

o  Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas!"

o  My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.
It’s called Lunch.

o  Maybe if we all emailed the constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.

o  I almost had a threesome last night - I just needed two more people.

o  I don't always have time to study, but when I do, I don't.

o  Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

o  I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

o  Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

o  Nice legs! What time do they open?

o  Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.

o  Life’s a bitch, ’cause if it was a slut, it’d be easy.

o  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

o  I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

o  Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

o  When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

o  I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

o  What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…"
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"

o  By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

o  The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

o  Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

o  Deja Vu – When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

o  Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.

o  It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

o  George Washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"… well, swine flu.

o  The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

o  I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

o  If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

o  Tampax are changing the strings on their products to tinsel.
This is for the easter period only.

o  Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

o  If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does.

o  Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

o  What are the three fastest means of communication.
Internet.
telephone
Tell-a-woman.

o  If you fondled a gypsy lady during her period.
Would you get your palm red for free.

o  Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right.
The other person is a husband.

o  What do you give a woman who has everything.
A man to show her how to work it.

o  Question: What do elephants use for tampons?
Answer: Sheep.

o  Question: Why do mice have small balls?
Answer: They don't invite enough people and they really don't dance all that well.

o  Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

o  Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

o  A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

o  If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

o  I can handle pain until it hurts.

o  You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana

o  Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

o  Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

o  You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon

o  Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

o  Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

o  Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

o  I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.

o  Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

o  If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

o  Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

o  Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

o  A day without smiling is a day wasted.

o  When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

o  What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

o  IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

o  My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…

o  What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

o  I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

o  What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

o  Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

o  Judge to prostitute: So when did you realize you were raped?
Prostitute, wiping away tears: When the check bounced.

o  As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

o  A day without sunshine is like, night.

o  Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

o  Born free, taxed to death.

o  Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

o  What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

o  It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.

o  For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

o  Keep your bath in the living room so you won’t have so far to walk when the doorbell rings.

o  Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

o  Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

o  Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

o  Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

o  The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

o  He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

o  I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

o  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

o  A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

o  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

o  There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

o  You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

o  The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

o  Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

o  The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

o  A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

o  A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

o  Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

o  Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

o  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

o  Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

o  With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

o  Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

o  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

o  When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

o  Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

o  Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

o  We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

o  If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

o  If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

o  I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

o  Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

o  I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

o  Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

o  I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

o  War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

o  You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

o  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

o  My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

o  I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

o  It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

o  Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

o  A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

o  Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

o  Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

o  I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

o  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

o  Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

o  When in doubt, mumble.

o  You're never too old to learn something stupid.

o  A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?" - Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

o  Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

o  Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

o  A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

o  To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

o  I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

o  Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

o  My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

o  Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

o  Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

o  Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

o  I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

o  Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

o  Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

o  The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

o  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

o  Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

o  I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants"

o  Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

o  I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

o  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

o  My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

o  If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

o  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

o  A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

o  A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

o  How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

o  If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

o  If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

o  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

o  Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

o  Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

o  Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

o  The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

o  If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

o  Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

o  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

o  Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

o  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

o  The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

o  Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

o  We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

o  Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

o  I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

o  Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

o  A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

o  It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

o  The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

o  Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

o  I bet you I could stop gambling.

o  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

o  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

o  If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

o  I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

o  Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

o  Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Paps, warum bleibt diese Floppy Disk nicht an diesem Magnet hängen?

o  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Bist du nicht auf Anhieb erfolgreich, zerstöre alle Beweise, dass du es überhaupt versucht hast.

o  Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Keuschheit ist heilbar, wenn sie früh genug entdeckt wird.

o  Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Zwilling mit Selbstmordgedanken tötet aus Versehen die Schwester!

o  If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Wenn du einen Schlumpf erdrosselst, welche Farbe hat er dann?

o  If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments?
Wenn du meinst, niemand kümmere sich um dich, dann versuch doch 'n paar Hypozinstermine zu verpassen?

o  Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."
Ein Jeder spreche mir nach: "Wir alle sind Individuen."

o  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Rechnungen sind immer schneller im Haus als Gutschriften.

o  I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
Für den Friedensnobelpreis würde ich jemanden umbringen.

o  I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Ich sagte "nein" zu Drogen, aber sie haben einfach nicht auf mich gehört.

o  There's no future in time travel.
Bei der Zeitreise gibt’s keine Zukunft.

o  Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Liebe kann blind machen, aber eine Heirat öffnet einem erst die Augen.

¨  Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.
Schlag dem Stossverkehr ein Schnippchen, verlass’ deinen Arbeitsplatz am Mittag.

¨  Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Es gibt nichts Schlimmeres, als den Anwalt einer verachteten Frau.

¨  Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Dieser Spruch ist leider nicht übersetzbar!

o  Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

o  What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

o  Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

o  99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

o  A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

o  If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

o  A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

o  I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

o  How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

o  Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

o  I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

o  Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

o  Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

o  If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

o  For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

o  Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

o  Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

o  As I said before, I never repeat myself.

o  Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

o  I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

o  I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

o  If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

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"Man muss dem Leben immer um mindestens einen Whisky voraus sein."